"Do you believe you’re missin’ out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night’s hard to get through”
-Brand New, Jesus Christ
Fair warning to anyone reading this post: I’m probably gonna be totally emo for a minute. Just gotta do a little venting. This will probably be tl;dr for most people, but I just want to say some things that I’ve had a lot of trouble articulating in daily conversation.
I’m pretty sure the mess I’m in now started about eleven years ago, the Winter Break of my eighth-grade year. This sounds super cheesy, but I started talking to this girl from school in AOL chat rooms. All my friends would get online and start a huge chat, and we’d all invite our entire friend lists and get a mega-chat going. It was pretty fun for a bunch of thirteen year-olds. I think the modern day equivalent would be Facebook walls and statuses.
At any rate, this girl and I really, really hit it off somehow. We talked every single day for hours. I couldn’t wait to get online and see her screen name pop up on my friend list. We talked and talked, and really got to know each other well. Eventually she “asked me out” via e-mail. At that time, asking someone out meant that you wanted them to be your girlfriend/boyfriend. I was so excited that I immediately wrote back, with child-like enthusiasm. I had a girlfriend!
That girl was my first everything. First real girlfriend, first kiss, first real love, and the first person I ever felt comfortable telling my deepest secrets and thoughts too. I was not afraid to be emotional in front of her, and oftentimes, I was a little over-emotional. My head would fill with so many emotions whenever I thought about her, which was basically all day, every day. I was a modern day Romeo.
We dated for a year straight, which was probably a record for two fourteen year-olds at the time. To this day, even if it’s just for a clean conscience, I really regret treating her the day I did. I was very outward with my affection for her, but there was also an intense side of me that came out that was incredibly possessive and jealous. I was jealous of her friends, any guy who talked to her, and hell, I was even jealous when she would spend time with her family instead of me. Looking back, it was ridiculously childish and selfish. At the time, however, I felt that it was some kind of display of how much I wanted to be around her.
So after exactly thirteen months, she broke up with me at school. We had this little thing when we had different classes where we would pre-determine a time to take bathroom breaks, and meet up in the halls and have a little smooch. On a break from Health class, we met up outside of the auditorium. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of “I don’t think we can be together anymore.” I was in complete shock and denial. The only person I had ever trusted with everything wanted to move on. There was not a night for that first month where I didn’t call her on the phone and almost immediately start crying. I was a complete mess, and it was absolutely pathetic.
To make a long story short, I spent most of the next decade trying to get her back. All of high school, and my first four years of college were spent trying to get her back. Sometimes she’d oblige, and we’d be “together” for a few weeks, or months at a time. It was mostly on-again, off-again for about eight years. During those off-again times, she’d often have another guy she was interested in. I had one other girlfriend during that eight year period, whom I dated for approximately three weeks (she was absolutely amazing, and I’ll probably write a thing or two about her in a later post).
Anyway, after too many years of her giving me just enough to keep me coming back, but not enough for me to be emotionally satisfied, I gave up. I stopped all communication with her. It was the only way I could move on from her. I knew that if we kept in contact, the same cycle would repeat itself, and we’d both be miserable because of it. The pain of letting her go was incredibly hurtful, but it was infinitely less hurtful than the amount of paid I’d be in for if I spent another decade chasing a relationship that had been non-existent for years. I’ve had zero contact with her for over a year, and I can honestly say that I chose the right path. Sometimes I wonder what she’s been up to. She probably has a great job, with a nice boyfriend/husband, and might even be starting a family. Either way, I choose to be happy for her instead of bitter. It’s better that way.
After I willingly ceased communications with her, I began to make a lot of changes within myself. I ditched the whole “emotional” thing, and became hard and callused on the exterior. I did not really have any desire to have any feelings other than happy, or content. I rarely got sad, angry, or displayed any loving emotion outward. I eventually met my next girlfriend, who was the only person who was ever able to make me forget my first girlfriend. I won’t say much about her, other than her being an amazing person. One of my biggest regrets, to this day, is not allowing myself to be as emotional with her as she deserved. I owe her a lot for getting me out of the decade-long rut I was in. We broke up for good reasons, and I don’t think either of us would date each other again, but I still think she is an amazing woman and she’s going to make the right person incredibly happy.
So why have I written a novel that (probably) no one will ever read? Well, I guess it’s a good setup to talk about the obstacles which I am currently going through. Remember how I said I stopped being emotional entirely? Well, I think those few years of bottling everything up have finally caught up with me. I compartmentalized every little emotion I had in my brain somewhere. Lately, however, I think the floodgates have been breaking a little.
Every night I feel like a freaking loser. I haven’t kissed a girl in months. I haven’t had any romantic interaction with anyone. At first, it was awesome. I had been in a long relationship that was incredibly stressful for both of us. It was kind of fun for a month or two being single. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with pretty much whomever I wanted. “Freedom,” though, has a price. And I think the worst part of it is the loneliness. I’m constantly surrounded by the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. They care about me as much as I care about them, which is approximately a million bazillion thousand times infinity units of caring. Great friends, seriously.
What I miss most, though, is having someone to care for romantically. It’s weird, I’m starting to see a side of me come out that hasn’t been released in years. I feel horrible that it didn’t come during my last relationship, because she honestly deserved it. For better or worse, this is how I am (unconsciously) choosing to feel now. I want someone to sleep with (not necessarily intercourse, but that’s a plus), someone to surprise with stupid things like flowers. I want to go places with someone, take them out, and have someone to look forward to seeing everyday. Someone who I can make smile, and will have no problem making me smile. I know it all sounds cheesy, but when you don’t have that stuff in your life you begin to miss it. For me, because I buried those feelings for so long, I feel them bubbling over the surface more than ever. I’m trying to strike a balance between my former, overly-emotional self and my later, less-emotional self. I think I’m ready to give it a shot.
I’ve got a lot going for me, but I think the odds are also stacked against me in a lot of ways. First, there is a huge lack of girls around my age here who aren’t already in a committed relationship. The girls I know who aren’t have probably firmly entrenched me in the “friend zone.” It’s a hole that if you fall in, will probably encapsulate you for a very long time, if not forever. It’s incredibly frustrating because I feel like I have so much to give. The frustration increases exponentially when I see a girl with a dude that treats her horrible. Or worse, a girl who is acting the same way with a dude that I did with my first girlfriend. It’s like, look, I think we could make each other the happiest people if you’d just ditch the zero and get with the real hero.
I think I can get through this. Like I said, I have the best friends in the world, who pick me up when I’m down (which has been entirely too often lately). I do think eventually I will meet a girl who I can get along with romantically. I’m pretty optimistic about my future, but for now, I’m driving myself crazy.
If you read this far (doubtful), I’m totally stoked that someone thought what I was saying was in some way meaningful. Who knows, maybe someone can even relate to my story. This post wasn’t about anyone in particular, in case you were wondering. And by the way, anonymous questions are turned on, so ask me some freakin’ questions! I see people who get like a million questions, and I get zero. SO ASK AWAY! I’m a sucker for attention, if you couldn’t already tell.
Whew, that felt pretty good to get it off my chest. We’ll have to do this again, sometime.